We Should All Be Polyamorists
Love was never meant to be scarce
Polyamory simply means many loves.
The problem is that we place sexual and romantic love at the apex of human connection. So when we hear the word polyamory, our minds immediately jump to people juggling multiple sexual or romantic relationships.
While that can be part of it, it’s not all of it—and it’s certainly not most of it.
Have you been in more than one relationship in your lifetime?
Yes? Congratulations, you’re a polyamorist.
Can you think of three people in your life that you love deeply?
Yes? Congratulations, you’re a polyamorist.
No? You poor thing. I wish I could hug you right now.
Are you in a blended family?
Yes? Congratulations, you’re a polyamorist.
Humans are, by nature, social and sexual creatures. We are driven by sex—biologically and socially. So it makes sense that we place sexual and romantic relationships so high on our priority list. All that oxytocin and vasopressin released during courting and fucking? That’s not our fault.
This is why some people abandon friendships built over years for someone they just started spending time with.
This is also why people can have meaningful, long-term, platonic love with many people and still feel lonely because they don’t have a spouse or significant other. They spend their entire lives searching for “true love,” even when they are already loved, admired, and adored in other relationships.
Human relationships are versatile, colorful, and vast. Each of us has the capacity to love and be loved in multiple ways. True love is not exclusive to sexual or romantic connection.
As a mother who gave birth naturally and breastfed (yes, this is something I am extremely proud of), I can attest that there are few human relationships more intimate than that between a mother and child. In fact, science shows that the bond between babies and their mothers sets the foundation for nearly all other relationships a person will form throughout their life.
As social creatures, we form many types of deep, intimate, meaningful connections—some long-term, some fleeting. Some involve sex, nesting, and shared resources; some don’t. The ones that fall outside the rules of dating, romance, and marriage are not less loving or less intimate.
Some relationships ignite the soul. Some stimulate the mind. Some carry us through grief and cheer us on in triumph. Some are strictly business. Some people just get you. Love has no rhyme or reason. We love because…
The idea that there is one person—The One—who will perfectly meet all of our emotional, sexual, intellectual, and spiritual needs is laughably outrageous. Deep down, we all know that no single relationship can hold the entirety of who we are.
I’m all for marriage, both in its most traditional form and in modern iterations. As a wife, I know it takes far more than love to sustain a marriage. It takes shared values, co-parenting, business, nesting, estate planning, R-E-S-P-E-C-T, spirituality, and a commitment to individual growth.
Under Judeo-Christian law, marriage is defined as the union between one man and one woman.
Our culture places so much emphasis on marriage that it’s seen as a major accomplishment when you do tie the knot—and a major failure if you don’t, especially if you are of the fairer sex.
I grew up in a Muslim household where men were permitted to have up to four wives. Because of this, I was exposed early on to relationship models that differed from the “one man, one woman” rule. I knew Islam wasn’t for me. Men can choose four beautiful women, but we can only have one crusty man?!
Yeah, no thank you.
Still, the seed was planted early: there are many ways to love, nest, and raise children. I had always been attracted to both men and women and was curious about relationship models that could hold my desires in harmony.
I mean, do you see how many beautiful, interesting people there are on the planet?!
Society loves to claim that men have stronger sexual desires than women. I’m not convinced this is true. What is true is that non-monogamy in men is far more socially acceptable.
There’s no way we reached a population of eight billion without our sexual and social behavior reflecting promiscuous tendencies.
Having one partner at a time does not equate to monogamy. Despite what the dictionary says, monogamy—historically—means one mate for a lifetime. Do some people live that way? Sure. But that does not reflect the full scope of human nature. Not even close.
In the U.S. alone, studies report that around 60% of marriages experience infidelity. About 40% of married couples describe their marriages as sexless, meaning they have sex fewer than seven times a year.
Womp womp womp….
Those statistics are bleak, and it’s no wonder polyamorous relationship models are gaining popularity.
Monogamy as a dominant relationship structure emerged alongside monotheism, where belief in one ultimate masculine deity fueled systems like patriarchy and colonialism.
Just as polytheism predates monotheism, polyamory predates monogamy. Our ancestors were polyamorous. They understood community, interdependence, and love in ways we’ve largely forgotten.
Whether or not you choose monogamy, we are living in a time that demands deeper connection. We need to gather, share, dialogue, and create. We need tools that help us cultivate harmony instead of competition.
Many will cringe at the idea of polyamory. Your chest is probably tight right now reading this. “It doesn’t work,” they say. Yet divorce rates suggest monogamy isn’t exactly thriving either. How many marriages fall apart because someone shared themselves with another—or because of so-called “micro-cheating”?
What if we were taught to be honest about our desires, without shame or ego? What if relationships rooted in freedom, radical honesty, and expansive love were the norm?
We can only meet others as deeply as we have met ourselves. Many of us haven’t even learned to love our own contradictions, desires, and dimensions—let alone those of another.
The pervasive gender wars are the human spirit crying out for help. Somewhere in the abyss of modernity, we lost our way. Now, more than ever, we ache for connection.
If love is abundant rather than scarce—if it is something that grows when shared rather than diminishes—then the work before us is not to ration it, but to expand our capacity for it. To unlearn possession, fear, and control. To remember that intimacy is not owned, but experienced.
Intimacy takes on many forms as well. It can look brushing the hair of a loved one, baby sitting your friends’ children, reading books aloud with others, sharing your weird thoughts with the world, or giving someone your last chicken wing.
We are made to love and be loved. We are made to delight in the wonder of other humans. Pleasure and bliss are our divine right. True love is not restricted or one-dimensional—it is an expansive energy, a universal consciousness that we all have the right to receive and the responsibility to give.
We need to be loving as many people as possible